


Sex-ed with the miracles

by oddball



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Teikou Era, sex-ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 11:33:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddball/pseuds/oddball
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title explains it all. A teacher is appointed to talk about the 'birds n bees' with our favorite basketball boys. What she doesn't know is that they aren't geniuses for nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex-ed with the miracles

"Students, it's been mandatory for middle school seniors, mostly 14-15 year olds, to attend sex education classes and we have been advised to start with the sports clubs, due to the..." a lanky older teacher said as she gazed at her peculiarly rainbow-haired students before being interrupted.

"the boxer-dropping incident in the locker room the other day?" Aomine said grumpily.

"We were concerned. Mido-chin never pees when everyone else is there, so we thought he doesn't have one"  Murasakibara said flatly, chewing gum, while Kise diligently nodded in agreement.

The teacher sighed loudly as Midorima screamed explaining wanting privacy doesn't tantamount to not having a penis.

"Aka-chin is more private than you but he doesn't mind" Murasakibara said defensively.

"Shintarou has a small one" Akashi said almost factually, much to everyone's horror.

"Akashi! why are you joining their ridiculous banter?!" Midorima said hoisting himself up his seat. The teacher was already informed of their star-status and that sunshine must be shone up their asses at any given time. She wasn't sure of being able to carry out those orders.

" 'coz he has a big one" Aomine said almost accusingly. It was true. They had all seen it while they compared measures as they attended nature's call. (Momoi had issues with the word pee) Damn that Napoleon-complex, heterochromatic...chord!

"Alright can we please settle down and begin the talk before I'm subject to anymore of your rubbish gossip?  Thank you. Now when we start, I need you'll to understand the idea of puberty as we begin. For boys, their voices begin to crack, hair begins to grow in certain places and as for girls..."

"their voices begin to become shrill, the hair phenomenon as well and a very important function begins to occur called menstruation in preparation for the event of conception of a child" Midorima said shuffling his spectacles in a matter of fact tone.

"Wow, Midorima-kun, i'm impressed. How do you know so much?" the teacher asked

"It is taught to us in science class, sensei" Kuroko said calmly.

"Wait...you were there all this while, blue haired boy? Anyway... so does everyone know as much?" the teacher asked, staring intently at Kuroko and questioning whether she was hungover at 10 am.

 "All I know is that there's a time when my sisters boss me around and tell me if I ever ask or say, I get kicked in the nuts to -feel the pain" Kise said, subconsciously shielding his man-glory, with his palm.

"I know that if she has that every month, you didn't knock your girlfriend up" Aomine said, perhaps remembering a scare.

"Umm...sure, I guess. That might do. Coming to the topic of umm...knocking up, the body after puberty is prepared for procreation. I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty of what happens but..."

"The man ejaculates inside a woman's vagina while having sex. If one of the many sperm makes it to the egg then a embryo is made which grows into an fetus" Akashi said firmly, not wanting to be judged as a nincompoop like the rest of them.

"Why...that is perfect, Akashi-kun" the teacher exclaimed

"How do you guys know all this?" Aomine asked puzzled.

"It was taught in class, when you and Kise-chin were drawing stick figures next to the penis drawings, Mine-chin" Murasakibara said yawning.

"With a completely warped sense of proportion" Kuroko added

"There looked fine!" Kise protested.

"Neither of you have penises as long as the eiffel tower" Midorima said sternly.

"And again, we're back to sizes. Enough boys!" the teacher said wondering why it was that 15 year old boys were so penis-centric. "and since you'll know a lot, tell me about protective measures. Anyone. Aomine-kun?" she asked, by now figuring, if there was a moron in the group it was possibly him and the blondie. But the blondie looked traumatized enough.

"Ummm... pull out at the right time?" Aomine said, while sounds of cackle and sighs simmered.

"No Aomine-kun"  she said, expecting him to say something stupid.

"That's barbaric not to mention stupid" Midorima scowled.

"Aominecchi, even I know that's not at all safe. For that matter neither is asking a girl if she's on the pill..." Kise said sighing.

"Kise-kun, I'm not sure if I should acknowledge that, but sure. What about the traditional use of condom?" the teacher said looking now probably in disbelief.

"I saw it in FRIENDS sensei, they're only 98% effective" Kise said sighing louder than before. "And apparently putting two isn't an answer either"

"Kise, how many times have you knocked someone up that you sound so worried" Aomine said while hitting the blonde's distressed-pretty head "I can't imagine you being able to get an erection without fifteen girls cheering for little-Kise" he continued

"It's not little, I can have an erection without a cheerleading squad..for now, and it could've happened! They should teach this kind of stuff!" Kise yelled, as the teacher slapped her forehead hard.

"Vasectomy" Akashi said, with a face akin to Lucifer.

"Akashi-kun... isn't that too much?" the teacher said trembling.  

"I don't need to. I always know...EVERYTHING" Akashi said sternly

"I'm not even sure my parents used any. My older brothers always say I was a mistake" Murasakibara said feigning sadness.

"Kise sure was. I mean who would intentionally want to have that!" Aomine blurted as Kise screamed in protest.

The teacher was still reeling from Akashi's...bold statement, as she saw the invisible boy raise his hand. He'd been doing that for the past ten minutes she didn't see. She signaled him to speak

"Sensei, what's an orgasm?" Kuroko asked quietly.

The classroom fell slightly silent. And all eyes finally fell expectantly on the sensei.

"Well, in simple words it is the height of sexual arousal. Why'd you ask Kuroko-kun, if I may ask so myself?" the teacher questioned.

"Well, on prom day, Momoi-san's friends were teasing her that she may have had one when I asked her hand to dance. They also said something about men in suits" Kuroko said

"That's right! The only one who can tap Satsuki is Tetsu!" Aomine said protectively.

"I'm glad this _'the only one who can...'_ statement of yours didn't end with 'me',Daiki. She does not deserve an primate like you" Akashi said folding his hands.

Aomine scowled and almost barfed at the same time. The thought of him and Momoi was repulsive to him. Incest almost!

"Alright, can someone tell me what kinds of sexual intercourse are known to you?" she asked.

"Break-up sex, make-up sex, angry sex..." Kise said proudly before being hit with a book by the green haired boy.

"*sigh* anyone else?" the teacher asked.

"Anal, oral, vaginal, masturbation and mutual masturbation" Kuroko said blushing at his knowledge a little.

"Good. And could someone tell me how each is different?" she said eyeing the lazy giant.

"Meh. It differs between what you put and where you put it. What you lick and where you..."

"Thank you that's enough, Murasakibara-kun. Midorima-kun could you tell us about the disease aspects?" she said, with her face convoluted in disgust.

"No" Midorima said.

"Um...why?" she asked surprised.

"Coz Midorimacchi doesn't have one" Kise giggled.

"This has nothing to do with that! Absolutely! I'm just not comfortable talking about STDs" he yelled.

"Midorima-kun's first girlfriend broke up with him on the pretext of having syphilis. She lied" Kuroko explained.

Midorima nearly hopped out of his seat to beat Kuroko to pulp at that atrocious lie, but it was too late. The teacher looked at Midorima with pity. So did everyone else to make it seem legit.

"Well, I can't say I've had a successful session, but anymore questions?" the teacher asked, tired of these so-called miracles. In her opinion they were called miracles because it would be a miracle that bizarre people like them exist. And Aomine was just miraculously stupid.

"Anyone?" she asked, ready to leave

"Can jacking-off too much cause your weener to shrink?" (Aomine)

"How is my sperm so potent?! I've been with my girlfriend for only two weeks, we've been naked in the hot-tub and she claims to be two months pregnant?!" (Kise)

"Can you accidentally pee while getting a blow-job?" (Murasakibara)

"Can women fake orgasms?" (Midorima)

"what's 69?" (Kuroko)

The teacher began to sweat a little before she turned to hear Akashi say

"Where's the G-spot?"

 

It was said that was the last day she decided to take sex-ed for 15 year olds. Teiko's dark days had already begun.

\---- 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a result of over-hearing many pointless discussions my younger brother has with his friends. Also inspired by the stupidest of things people ask on yahoo. :P  
> Hope you'll enjoy it! :)


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